Humanization

Faith will get us far in life. It is the belief that when life hands you lemons, you will have a pitcher, sugar and vodka in the house to make some lemon-aid. I wonder if I will ever truly have faith in my self. I express doubt that can start or finish. I internalize doubt that I can help or hope. I feel doubt that I can or will. Yet every day of my life when someone asks me a question, words pour out of my mouth like natures waterfalls. They seem clear, calm and cool. Yea, I can perform. I do tricks like the trained monkey I am. I can stand and sit, spin and sing. Sometimes I listen to my self and laugh. Where do I come up with this crap? Sometimes it is complete and total crap. I shock my self-thinking, "Did I just make that up or do I really believe that?” It is amusing. So maybe my faith in myself is the belief that I can run on autopilot. I can do it all automatically. But just incase something goes wrong; I will always have a parachute so I can jump for it.

Frustration

It is not fail that I am to be judged as someone who is emotionally unstable. Although, I guess it is true. Ok, let me begin again. It is not fair to tell a pregnant woman who has the worst student in the history of disturbed children that she needs to learn to "manage" herself. He is wrong all over. This child does things and says things that are unimaginable with no remorse. I have never met a more self-centered person in my entire life and I used to date jocks in college. It is inconceivable why anyone should ever have to put up with such a prick. I told my chiropractor that I am naming my pulsating never in my lower back after him. It twinges and tweaks all the time when he is around.
I know I am a bit paranoid but can the baby her him? Will his voice damage my unborn child’s ears? It is already damaging my health. I can't even self meditate..... GOD I NEED A GLASS OF WINE! I see no help for me... I am lost.

Refutation

I have just denied my self the one true pleasure that warms my soul. Coca Cola A lady at work offered my a sip of serenity and just like that I passed it on. I took only a dixi cup sip. How sad. How sad.

Anticipation

Ok, I have decided that baby anouncment day will be Dec. 19. It seems easy enough to pick out. It is right before Christmas break. I plan to let a few rumors fly and see how it goes. There is one lady at work who is like the Sandwich Board of SAS. So, people can stop buggin' me about when I am going to announce.
On a side note, a good friend has just announced that she is expecting too. She is due about 2 weeks after me. She is also due on her Birthday. HA HA - too bad for you. (It wouldn't bother me but it already bums her out that her birthday is on the 4th of July)
So, good luck mommies-to-be!

Teaching

This picture was drawn by a kindergarten student. It really puts the world in perspective through a child's eyes.

Babeafacation

Well, I don't want to turn this into one of those "Daily drabble about me and my life" bloggs. I don't think it will be extremely exciting. Part of that I am sure is the fact that I will not admit defeat of my genuine purpose of exclaiming to the world my thoughts and feelings. It is not about me but about my place in the world. Ideally, we look at the past in order to make better choices in the future. The world is ever changing and we have to change with it. But we are all resistant to change. Our roots are firmly planted in one way or one place. It seems that staying grounded is a top priority. Man, we are old. As a kid, we don't even sit still let alone stay in one place. As a teen, we are invincible or invisible - depending on your high school experience. As a 20-something, we feel like we can do anything or go anywhere and have no desire to stay in one place long. Trust me on this, I have had over 15 roommates and moved 10 times.
Then marriage.... Now for those of you, who are not wed, don't freak out on me. These memories of our youth are great but we are now older and damn tired. We work harder than we ever worked. We are smarter than we ever were. We live more than we ever lived. We are more real and tangible then ever before. So, when it is time to "settle" down, remember it is not settling. It is a conscience choice, and educated choice, a need to fill and a path of existence in which we move forward, ever growing, ever changing, ever believing and ever loving.

Recycled Crayon

This does not make me feel any better. BUT... It did make me laugh. - Thanks moo

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Congratualtions

I survived 8 days with 8 adults and 54 8th graders.... almost..... I got a terrible cold for my troubles and minimal thank yous. Well, hell, this is a thankless job. Life is about what you put into it. I get out of it what I need to go home at the end of the day feeling good about the difference I might have made even if I never find out....
There are other kudos to make as well... We are expecting. Oh my, to commit to the words. It is too early to tell anyone other than my few (very few) readers. It is 5 full weeks today. So, early... too late to turn back now... Excited?!?

Anticipation

I am about to embark on an educational adventure with 54 8th graders. God give me stregnth and patience. I hope they behave. I hope I don't snap. I hope the bar is fully stocked. I hope my boss is buying. =)

Limation

You remember as a kid riding the swings? You reach the top and just as you start down your stomach jumps. That feeling never goes away and it never gets old. That is the most free you ever feel. Your heart if filled with joy. There should always be pleasures so simple in life. I suggest that we all find one. If not, go ride a swing.

Libation

A toast! To all those who live each day with a smile, warm heart and carry a battle axe.

Affirmation

To wake up a morning in dread, spend a day uncomfortable and on the verge of tears, then to have superior interactions with parents of my student affirming my place on this planet... Wow... emotional drain! I can't believe how I feel. I am needed and valued. I just wish that everyone knew it. Some parents make an extra special effort to ruin our days. Some make an extra special effort to make us feel loved. I hope the good out number the bad or I need to choose another profession. Back to school night has become a 10 minute campaign for support. I hope you all worked on your speeches. Some constituents already back you, trust you, love you... other are on the fence. Work hard to win the election. I think I won.
Note to self: Speak slower with annunciation... Minor detail!

Bitchtion

Ok, I made that one up. But really, I feel as if I have earned the right. So deal with it.
I am a very lucky girl. I can have a weird day - as men call it a PMS day - and yet whisk away to a happy happy land with just a simple glass (or two) of wine. I went with the cheap stuff. You know the type that loosens inhibitions but keep you working. Ah the beauty of it all. Chris Rock said that every woman has another woman at her work that drives her crazy. So, you all must be able to relate. "Uh huh, really? you don't say, really? No! Uh huh, I told you that Bitch was crazy."
You see, that gal at the office who pisses me off... Well tomorrow she may still be a bitch but I, I wont be. I am ok and gosh darn it people like me. (That daily affirmation was for Bo-wini. You know we still need them from time to time.) LOL I am sending thanks to my rock, my love, M.D. And many thanks to Pand. You rock in your own right. We must love our selves and remember it is easier to pity the enemy than loath her. It takes less energy!

Gyration

I love the fact that things change. If you can survive that moment of despair a new moment of strength or hope will appear. The new year of school has begun. It feels like the hardest part is picking the best place to start. The years spin in circles. Yet a circle has no beginning or end. But, at the end of each summer I am back where I started. So can a full circle have a beginning and end? Either way, I guess am getting there. I can start at any point.
It may be that it is much less of a circle and much more of a spiral, a funnel or tornado. Maybe it is that each circle seems familiar and similar but is still unique. Then the next question is which way are the winds blowing and is the end in sight? When I was the age that I teach, I remember thinking in my deepest times of dread that the winds bring change. It was a simple mantra to repeat in times of desperate hope. I believe that to be true perspective. We may be small leaves floating in a funnel. Fragile. Colorful. Yet we might be able to direct our drift with a little faith. So look for the winds to bring change and remind your self that faith will guide you.

Alteration

It is nice to know that when you reflect upon your day that you are loved. If you really think about it, people show it. I am not talking about that gushing glow that is usually unmistakable in some dramatic flair. I am talking about the kind of human respect that is evident in a subtle and consistent smile.
My hope for this year (teacher time) is to spend much less time worrying and fretting. More time smiling. I am sorry to those who have had to listen to me spew negativity. Really, I mean it! Life is rushing by me so quickly that I don’t always have time to jump in and really feel it. I want to feel it like an icy river flowing over smooth stones, leading to the ocean.

Stipulation

To think that one person, of no relation, can attempt to tell me anything regarding how I live my life is absurd. Although, I am guilty of asking for advice on more than one occasion. So maybe it was what was said that bothers me more than the fact that anything was said at all. Are you still with me? We live and love. We act and react. We make choices. Yet validation is needed from those who have walked the earth longer than I have. We marry older men, who are then by such, wiser. We pair our selves with like minds but search for older advice. I can say one thing for sure. I'm in control.

Validation

I feel the pressure.
When you start something like this, you imagine self-expression at its simplest form. You, sitting in front of a computer, as your brain is gushing through your fingers. Now? Well, I know you are out there. Yes, I am talking to you... You know who you are. So, why read me? Maybe you want to know more about me. Or maybe you want to know all the things I think but never say. Either way, it is pressure. At least I can say that I have the same opportunity to read your thoughts. So, I should detach from the pressure and think that I do this because I can. Yet, we all look at our blogs to see if anyone has commented on it. Maybe it’s better than validation. Maybe it is motivation. Or maybe we still search for that connection to the world. I am.

Equalization

In life there are good moments when you can untouchably soar and there are moments in which you are lying at the bottom of a hole that you dug hopping that someone will walk by and push the dirt in on top of you. More often that not, we are somewhere in the middle. I think if we had those sorts of highs and lows our body would give out. But, I appreciate the fact that I can live my normal, typical, stationary life and that at any moment something utterly amazing could happen. Sometimes you can hope or predict events but you really don't know how the cards are going to fall until you go all in. I think the biggest part of life is playing the cards you have been dealt. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. According to this equation, it is way to late for that. My guilt alone keeps that in the negative. Yet, don't we all strive for perfection? I have not yet begun to fight! Is it human nature to believe with our deepest guts, to hope, to pray, to think, no believe that we can be better. Those of you not striving for better --- Either you are lying (probably) or kudos to you for being at the point in your life where you are as good as you are ever going to be. Boy, that sounds boring. Or maybe, you have got some really great "Happy Pills".
So, here’s to making all three sides of the equilateral triangle work together...mind, body and soul in our eternal quest for balance.

Expectations

The tion that I feel today is one that I feel a lot. It is setting a standard of behavior or a bar to reach. The pull-up speaks to my life. If I meet expectations I can get my damn chin over the bar. I don't think that I have been able to do that since my freshman year of college. I prefer the type of bar that serves liquor. Then the bar is no longer my enemy but a comfort after a long day at work. So maybe it is all about perception. I can save that topic for another day.
Time is so important in our world. It seems as simple as the law of supply and demand. There is never enough supply of time to keep up with the demands of time in our work, family and lives. I know my cat understands it best. She knows that I will only be home for so long so she had better get the most of our time together by following me everywhere, including the bathroom. I have read that it is not quality time we should be worried about. It has to begin with quantity. If there is no quantity of time with people (or pets) then there will never be quality. Ok parents; spend more time with your kids. Bonding comes later. But really, I feel the pressure of expectations to be everywhere all the time for everyone. Then I always feel let down when people do not meet my expectations. It is likely that I set the bar too high. How many people do you know in your lives that can do a pull-up? Maybe that should be a pre-request. Then again, you can't choose who you are related to.
How do you deal?

An interesting attempt to anonymously uncover ones self

I wonder how many people live in an anonymous world. Every day I see and connect with people. I guess I consider my self a people person. That, in its self, doesn't make a whole lot of sense because all people are technically people. Then again, I have met people who seem sub-human on some level so I guess that saying means more to me than it should. I am a person of wonder and new with an old soul. Again, contradiction... I feel the need to be apart of the world. Do you ever think about how many people reach out to you for human contact on a daily basis? I want to touch and smell the world. But part of me, at some deeper level feels as though I have done all this before. So much is familiar in a way that is hard for my friends and family to understand. It is not that I know so much, because believe me, I have a lot to learn. It is that I have lived a life of appreciation and observation. Some times I surprise my self as my brain listens to my mouth. I think, how did I know that? Or where did that idea come from?... But shouldn't my brain be telling my mouth what to say instead of listening to it ramble? Sorry if I am confusing ( or rambling). I guess I feel like my mouth works faster than my brain. This is a dangerous thing in my profession.

So maybe this is why being anonymous gives you such a powerful feeling. My brain and fingers can go to town with no worries or fear. I can see a sense of safety in anonymous. Here is where I can share to be read or not. Responded to? Ignored? Laughed at? Laughed with? Maybe? But, for me, I will use it to think. I am not sure where I am going with this anonymous contribution to the world but yes, I will think and type. It will be my way of of being with out the seeing.